Ever since Sarah started kindergarten, I have developed a new and terrifying fear. This is in addition to the myriad of phobias I already have to grapple with on a daily basis. Fear of flying. Rodents. Sharks. Open water. Bridges. Subways. Heights. Parking garages. Sitting in my car under a highway overpass. Pigeons. Seriously, it’s a wonder that I can make it out of the house day in and day out without crumpling into the fetal position.
But now, one may rule over them all. It’s the fear that I will have to, for some unforeseen reason, exit my vehicle in the Our Lady of Grace School morning carpool line looking like this:
Despite us being in month 6 of the kindergarten year, I still cannot find time in the morning to execute the most basic hygiene procedures to indicate that I did not just spend the night in a public restroom with the Mole people. From the time I wake up to the time Sarah goes to school, it’s a race to the finish line to get Sarah looking halfway presentable and fed (and by “fed,” I mean throwing a handful of Cheerios into a hopefully clean bowl). And lord help me if she wants me to pack her a lunch. Then I have to go braless.
And maybe I’d feel better about my shabby-not-so-chic look if the other carpool moms joined me in looking like the Bird Lady from Mary Poppins. But no! They are all dressed in clothing that do not make them an immediate candidate for a basic cable makeover show. They are in heels! Their hair is perfectly in place! Their clothes are ironed and they have no errant pieces of breakfast embedded into their hair! How do they do it? Are they just coming off a night shift? Do they go to sleep looking like that? Are they vampires??! I can’t figure it out. Yes, I know some of them must go to work but I know for a fact that many do not. And yet, they look like the “After” pictures to my most definite “Before.” It’s one of my unsolved mysteries as a stay at home mom. In the mean time, until I can afford a team of stylists or become one of the undead, I remain ever grateful for my tinted windows and am hopeful that people will just assume that I am the nanny.