Katie, my intrepid 2-year old, has taken it upon herself to begin potty training. Sigh. While I applaud her initiative, I, frankly, was just not ready. Don’t get me wrong. I would love to finally set ablaze my Skip Hop Diaper bag that I’ve been lugging around like an albatross since 2006 and return to normal sized purses that do not feature velcro closures or special compartments for diaper cream. But once you begin the potty training process, like most things child-related, it takes over your life until it infiltrates every waking action and thought you have. Imagine that all of your errands, meals, chores, and tasks, could at any moment, be interrupted by a puddle full of urine or worse, poopy underwear. Talk about “clean up in aisle 6.” If you’ve never potty trained a child before, let me tell you, there is nothing quite like having the specter of an underwear full of feces to put a sense of urgency into your day.
When potty training, remember, even the most basic of steps needs to be taught to your child. For example: underwear is best worn, as stated in the word itself, under your clothing, Katie.
You never know what curves your kid will throw at you during the potty training process. Both my girls, for example, loved to adorn themselves with as many accessories as they could before eliminating any waste. Katie, apparently, has many people to call, and many places to be. Have your people call her people.
While the pictures above were taken in the comfort of our own home, we must, at some point in the day, leave the security of our clean, sanitized bathrooms for the toilets of the greater world. Public restrooms can run the gamut to starkly clean (“Yes, we are the first users!”) to oh God, please let us leave here without picking up a venereal disease. It doesn’t help that kids, who like to use all of their senses when encountering a new environment, feel an uncontrollable urge to stroke, touch, and lick every porcelain surface that they come across before settling in to do their business. Take special caution in unisex bathrooms. Last week, Katie ran in ahead of me and to her surprise and delight, discovered the urinal, which she mistook for a water fountain. That’s an image that will be seared into my brain till the day I die.
And prepare yourself for many, many accidents. They could have JUST gone and for some inexplicable reason, will need to go again and you will not be ready. Sarah once copped a squat on the floor of the Cole-Haan store without any preamble or warning. Chris, with heroic speed which I attribute to his horror that she would defile the shoes, barring him from ever entering the store again, scooped her up and took the brunt of it across the front of his shirt. Yeah, good times.
Finally, don’t forget, statistics show that most accidents occur within the home…
$50 bucks to whoever can translate what she’s saying on the video.**
**By the way, I am just kidding about the $50…unless I can secure a short-term loan from Sarah. But, you know, that just requires so much paperwork and I’m scared of what it’ll do to my credit rating.
*** Just in case you are not familiar with 2-year old talk, Katie is saying, “I so excited to make cookies that I peed on my step stool!”