Mother’s Day Primer

Fathers of the World: if you aren’t aware, and boy are you screwed if you are not, Mother’s Day is just around the corner.  Rather than a litany of gifts you could get for the mother of your children, here is a simple list of do’s and don’t’s to help you through the day.

1.  Do let her sleep in.  (Like, duh)

2.  Do start her morning right with some sort of pre-planned breakfast or brunch (if you let her sleep in long enough).  Cereal in a sloppy bowl of milk is not ideal.

3.  Do get the kids ready on your own- brush teeth, brush hair, get them into clean clothes.  As a general rule, they should not look as though they are going to star in a play about hobos.  Unless for some weird reason, they are.  If so, then your work is done.

4.  Don’t ask her what clothes fit your children.  Seriously, why is this so difficult?  The age of the child correlates exactly to the size of the clothing.  Read the label and do the lower-level mathematics to figure this out:

Let x = clothing size and y= age of child

If y = x ± 1 month and it is seasonally appropriate, then dress the child!

5.  Do give her time that day to get ready without any of her children acting as voyeurs in the bathroom or smearing her Chanel extra glossy lipstick all over their faces and running around  like scary mini-clowns with her bra on their heads screaming, “Look at my boobies!!!”  Just saying…it would probably be a nice change of pace for her.

6.  Don’t even think of scheduling a tee time.

7.  Don’t let her cook, prep, or clean after any meals.  Bonus points if you do any or all of this yourself but it is perfectly acceptable to outsource any of these chores….especially if, like my husband, your culinary skills are limited to foods that require less than 2 ingredients.

8.  Do give a small token of appreciation.  It doesn’t need to qualify to be a DeBeers commercial but a card or flowers are always nice.

9.  Do give her space, if she wants it.  In one camp are the moms who want nothing more than to spend the entire Mother’s Day with her family and wouldn’t dream of leaving for even a second.  Then there is the other camp of moms who would like just a little time away to do whatever strikes her fancy. It might be a massage or a facial.  Or maybe a nap.  It might just be sitting at a Starbucks and texting with her other mommy friends about how awesome it is to sip a latte without also wiping up spills from some little person’s chocolate milk while making sure they don’t receive third degree burns from her own beverage.  Or maybe watching all 300 minutes of the Colin Firth BBC version of Pride and Prejudice while guzzling Dr. Pepper and eating nachos and beef jerky in her stretchy pants.  Can you guess which camp I’m in?  At any rate, if she wants it, give her some time to do a little something extra for herself that day whatever that may be.

So that’s it….not rocket science but I hope it helps.  A BIG Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful mothers out there.  I hope you get pampered in the way you deserve.  And a shout out to my own beautiful mom…I love you!

My mom and me after a lovely afternoon wine tasting in Napa...happy and buzzed!

Happy and buzzed in Napa, June 2010

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