We are 12 days into our summer and I am happy to report that we are still alive and I have not eaten my young. On the first day of no school for both girls, they were at it like cage fighters at an Ultimate Fighting Challenge competition, using hand-to-hand combat moves rarely seen in polite society. After 9 months of having their own personal routine and space, it was jarring for us all to share the entire day together. The girls became extremely territorial- in fact, I’m surprised they didn’t just lift their legs and mark their property immediately. I am extremely grateful they did not because I’d be the first thing urinated on by my feral children. But now, we are slowly finding our rhythm and can be happy to be in each other’s company for more than 48 seconds at a time.
That doesn’t mean that it’s smooth sailing all the way. I’m still navigating the ins and outs of summer and during the past 12 days, I’ve had some puzzlers. Maybe you can help me out with these “summer mysteries.”
1. Why is it that despite our 3,3oo square foot house and 2/3 of an acre lot filled with toys, a Rainbow playset, and all sorts of other amusements, the only place the girls want to be is RIGHT IN MY LAP. Seriously?
2. How can I have driven 97 miles in a 3 day period when every place I go is within a 5 mile radius of our house?
3. Why must the girls bicker about the most minute of minutiae almost every minute of the day? Who gets the red plate? Who gets the pink? Who gets to blow the bubbles? Who gets to pop them? It is constant and it is unrelenting. I may just join Costco so I can buy ear plugs in bulk.
4. How can I have a zit the size of a small foreign coin on my forehead at 37 years of age? The explanation from my dermatologist that “many pre-menopausal women experience acne” was NOT satisfactory. Pre-menopausal? Didn’t I, like, just have a baby?! I blame the stress of having two children at home full time on the present state of my complexion.
5. How is it possible that my husband can stretch an 18-hole round of golf into a 6.5 hour event? And let it be noted, the course is a mere 2.9 miles from our house.
6. To continue with the golf theme, how can my husband play a minimum of 27 holes per week and have his handicap go UP? I fear this will lead him to believe he needs to play MORE golf, not less. Or maybe he’s just telling me he’s playing golf and he’s really having an affair. Frankly, I’d prefer the affair. It would probably take up less time and he’d come home happier.
7. Why do the girls want the exact opposite items for lunch from one another? Sarah wants hot dogs…Katie wants anything but. Katie wants hot dogs…Sarah wants chicken nuggets. And me? All I want is a tumbler full of sauvignon blanc with a Valium chaser and a personal chef.
8. Why is it that despite my repeated entreaties not to do so, the girls continue to use the fountains in kiddie pool as their own personal bidet? Thankfully, they still have their swim suits on and aren’t going totally “European” but really, ick.
9. How can my girls complain that it’s too hot when it barely reaches 85 degrees here? Proof once again that they don’t have a drop of my Texas blood and that I am indeed raising Minnesotans. Uff-da.
10. And where, oh where in heaven did Katie learn to hit me between the legs while yelling, “I’m punching you in your weenie!!!”?
SUMMER COUNTDOWN: 78 MORE DAYS TILL SCHOOL STARTS